I hadn’t eaten a real meal (sober) in months. My hair was falling out, my mouth tasted like metal everyday and I had zero energy. I even randomly passed out TWO times. What was wrong with me? Why did I have no appetite and everything tasted nasty? I was about to find out...
July 2018, my life changed. I went from living with my boyfriend, head over heels in love, to moving out and living alone. Just a year prior, my entire family came down to see me walk across the stage and receive my Master’s degree. While this year, I maybe only communicated with one cousin. On top of that, I started a new job a few months before. The stress and adjusting to that had taken its toll on me as well. From being the only black girl, to having anxiety every time I changed my hair, to feeling like I was walking on eggshells because I wanted everyone to like me. I was stressed and my body could tell.
The first line of this post says “I hadn’t eaten a real meal (sober) in months.” So I guess I should address the sober part, right?
(Disclaimer: I’m about to get hella real)
Let me start by saying this: life can be hard and there’s a lot to juggle. I used to walk into work and be so confused as to why people felt the need to smoke a cigarette before they even walked into the building. I would judge and think to myself, “is it that serious?” But again, life can be hard, and so many things are thrown at you at once. You have to go to work, pay bills, have a social life, go to church, work on your debt, work on your credit, workout, take care of your health, take care of your mind, provide for your family, take care of your children. And that’s just me scratching the surface. Life has so many components to it and it can be a lot at times.
So I’d get high.
Getting high took away some of the loneliness I felt having to leave my boyfriend (barely). Getting high took away the sadness I felt getting ridiculed by my family (kinda). Getting high made the reality of my life being totally different from the year before a little easier to cope with (not really). So I got high. Often. So much that I started to depend on it. I needed it to relax, I needed it to not fall apart, I needed it to eat. And that’s where it completely screwed me.
Eating is so important. I never thought that I would take my real, sober, appetite for granted, but I did. I depended on the drug to help me eat so much, that eating without it seemed unrealistic. And although I would eat while high, it was never the same. I wasn’t eating because I was hungry (I had no appetite) I was eating because of the munchies. So I’d get lit, eat, fall asleep and wake up still drained with no energy. The drugs weren’t helping. And to be real, I couldn’t afford them. I mean, I could go spend $50 on a cart, but really that was adding to my anxiety because I knew that $50 could go towards something that actually mattered. Like paying off a bill or adding to my savings. But my mind was not right, I was not thinking right. Ultimately, I was depressed.
It wasn’t until I was able to get myself out of my depression that I was able to eat again. And once I made the first real effort (slowing down on getting high) I was able to see how important food was. The process was hard but I made it through. I challenged myself to not get high before eating and even force-fed myself if I needed to. But I was NOT going to get high to eat and I was DETERMINED to eat three times a day. In the beginning it was literally so hard. All of my favorite foods tasted gross while eating sober. Nothing had flavor. My mouth tasted like metal and sometimes I would even gag. But I was determined to eat. Once I realized me passing out was related to my poor eating habits I decided to make a change.
So I started posting on Instagram. I would post my breakfast meals: usually eggs, bacon, waffles, or some kind of oatmeal and sausage.
Then while at work, I would eat a snack and post that too. Most times I would go for almonds, fruit or toast. Anything to say I had eaten.
Then for dinner I would post what I was making, even if one night I forgot to take out the meat that morning and ate one of my deluxe sandwiches instead…
Posting my meals to social media became apart of my routine and eventually social media became my accountability partner. So many people would respond to my stories when I would post my food it kind of became a thing. Even when I started with smoothies and trying to add that to my diet, people would reach out and give me tips…
I appreciated that so much. Because although it may have appeared to be just another story I posted, it was really a cry for help. I needed the help and social media helped me.
Now, today, I am better. Not exactly where I want to be but damn sure not where I once was. I can eat. Finally! With no substance needed. I enjoy my food. The seasonings have never tasted better. I appreciate my appetite and I thank God for it before every meal. I have gained my weight back, my hair is getting thick again, and I have energy.
Food saved me. I was heading down a terrible path. I was on the brink of not only being severely depressed but also picking up a nasty smoking habit. But I didn’t let it take me. I didn’t let the stress of things I could not control take over MY life. And now, I feel free!
So free that I am really taking advantage of this second chance. I care about the food I put into my body so much now. My food is my fuel! The things I put into my body will sustain me when I’m older, so I care more about it now. It’s been 3 months since I’ve eaten beef. That’s insane for me! I’ve been eating what I want since I was born! But now I just feel differently about it all. Plus since I don’t work out I figure I can do one thing healthy, and that’s removing red meat. Eventually I want to eliminate pork and chicken and one day I want to become a pescatarian.
All these positive changes I want to make are based off of what I went through. It was hard, but I promised myself I would never go back to that place again. Because when you know better, you do better.
So shout out to you food, you the realest…
