To All the Guys I Ghosted… I’m Sorry
So if we’re being real, I’ve ghosted one or two guys in my day… two or three. Seven or eleven. Somewhere along those lines. It’s never on purpose but it always kind of works out that way. Here’s how my timeline usually goes:
Jalyssa and Guy meet
Jalyssa and Guy text
Jalyssa and Guy hang out
Jalyssa and Guy keep hanging out
Jalyssa realizes she’s starting to really like the Guy
Jalyssa becomes distant
Jalyssa and Guy stop talking as much
Jalyssa and Guy stop talking
Jalyssa deletes thread, pics, and blocks guy from social media
Guy ends up hating/strongly disliking Jalyssa
Jalyssa and Guy get decently cool a year or so later and let bygones be bygones
(but they secretly don’t mess with her foreal… and rightfully so)
Granted, there are a lot of extra steps in there. Like Guy is treating Jalyssa like a GF without making her one, Guy is most likely entertaining other girls, Guy is in a fraternity (and that’s a whole other set of problems), and so forth and so on. But this post isn’t about the Guy. At this age, I know that guys will be guys. You give them an inch and somehow, they finesse a mile. I am not concerned about the Guy in this instance. In this instance I’m concerned about me…
After being a self-proclaimed serial dater in college (circa 2014-2016), I now see the trends of my dating habits and wanted to dig into why I do the things I do and ultimately why I ghost dudes. So let’s take this step by step, shall we?
Just for shits and giggles, let’s name this guy Jason (never dated a Jason - I just think it’s a cute name). So Jalyssa and Jason meet. He’s attractive and at least has the basic package Jalyssa is looking for at the moment (now remember, this is circa 2014-2016 aka I was young and naive - but everyone is sometimes, right?) Jason is most likely mysterious (26 year old me now knows mystery usually equals shady) and might even have a smart mouth (cause girls like mean guys, right? *slaps forehead*).
Jalyssa and Jason text and eventually hang out. They may have the typical “beginning stages” petty arguments but nothing too deep to really break things off. Jason is starting to learn more about Jalyssa: her routines, her friends, her hobbies. He sees she’s smart and going places. But Jason, being a young and guarded guy, only reveals the basics about himself: hometown, friends, favorite sport. But Jalyssa isn’t concerned because she’s too wrapped up in thinking of the future. Here are some thoughts that most likely went through my young, 21 year old mind …
“Jalyssa & Jason… that’s cute AF!”
“If we have kids we could name them Joy & Jordan. Cuteeeeee”
“I hope his parents like me!”
Now Jalyssa would NEVER say these things out loud, but she’s definitely thinking them. Like most girls do.
It’s been months, they’re still hanging, but that’s about it. The dinners have stopped (if they ever started), it’s less doing actual activities and more hanging out at night once those activities are over. But, they’re still hanging, being intimate and enjoying one another’s company. As months pass by (probably only 3 months, - max) Jalyssa wants more. She wants to be a girlfriend. The two already hang a lot, they know each other's friends (hers more than his), he already treats her like a GF, what’s the big deal with making it official?
Quick fact about Jalyssa: she likes to play things off. She knows guys hate overly clingy, move too fast kind of girls. So even though she’s probably having all the same thoughts as a girl who is bold enough to say “what are we?” she’s playing it off. Cool as a cucumber and never says anything.
A few more weeks pass and Jalyssa is getting slightly annoyed… Nothing has changed, still hanging out with Jason, but the desire to be his girl and no action being taken to do so is starting to get under Jalyssa’s skin. Jalyssa is starting to feel played and aggravated. Here are a few things I’m SURE went through my abrasive, 21 year old mind…
How can this mf NOT wanna wife ME?
Do he know who I am?
I don’t have to deal with this sh*t
You know what… f*ck em!
With all this built up tension Jalyssa is starting to not enjoy Jason’s company. Although she likes him a lot, she’s not getting what she wants. And Jalyssa must always get what she wants (circa 2014-2016 I was a super brat - Thank God for change). So, she becomes distant. Hanging out becomes less frequent. Her texts become shorter and drier, she’s just...different. Jason, slightly confused but can feel the difference, says nothing (in true guy fashion). Jalyssa’s patience is running thin and eventually does one of four things…
Doesn’t respond to last text
Stops watching social media
Meets a new guy
All of the above
And one day they just stop talking. Jalyssa acts like it never happened. (She likes to seem unbothered even if that means bottling up things that have wrecked her spirit and heart.) She likes to seem tough. Crying to Jalyssa is a weakness. She may vent to one homegirl (S/O to Kat, my personal diary in college) but that’s it. She never tells Jason what’s wrong…
Now there’s usually two ways this will end: Jason will either end up hating Jalyssa and not speaking to her for months, maybe even years (I got a few guys who hated me in HS and just started being “okay” with me a year ago) OR the guy plays it off like he doesn’t care that the girl he talked to for months just dipped. He then eventually hits her up on Instagram (DMs only of course) to ask what went wrong… For clarity reasons of course, because he most likely found a new companion - like Jalyssa did.
Annnnnd scene!
That’s usually how it goes. Well, how it always goes. (Expect with one guy who became the actual boyfriend, but that’s a story for a different day.)
Now that I am older, not focused on dating, and more self-aware, I am able to see where I messed up. And in my opinion when you mess up, you’re supposed to apologize. Now I haven’t always been this mature, but with age comes wisdom. So to all the guys I ghosted, here’s an apology from me to you…
I’m sorry for not setting boundaries. I should have let you know I was annoyed with hanging out so much. But I didn’t know how to say it.
I’m sorry for always leaving so abruptly. It wasn’t you, I was just trying to mask my feelings. The tough me said that lingering around was too vulnerable and I would appear to be less attached if I left.
I’m sorry for not saying what bothered me. Saying “I’m okay” when I’m not. Knowing exactly what’s wrong, but refusing to say it. It’s all very cowardly and just not cool.
I’m sorry for blocking you. Dating or not we were cool at a point. Blocking you was extreme. Not like you killed my dog or something (I don’t have a dog, but still)
I’m sorry for acting like you never happened and moving on so fast. Back then, I wasn’t okay with being alone. I’m not like that anymore (if you even care to know).
I’m sorry for disregarding your feelings. Although males have a hard time expressing them, I know you have feelings, and I should have considered them.
Lastly, I’m sorry for taking so long to apologize. If I only knew then what I know now I would have moved differently.
If you’re reading this and can relate, I encourage you to right your wrongs with people. Doesn’t have to be guys, just people in general. It takes strength to admit when you’re wrong and apologize. We are all just trying to figure this thing called life out and when you know better you do better. Granted, I know I have a few more people to apologize to but here’s a start.
Sidenote, if you know a guy I used to talk to, forward this to him. I’m probably blocked.