This weekend was really hard for me. I felt myself getting depressed again. I don’t know how everyone else’s depression goes, but mine goes a little something like this…
Don’t wanna leave the bed
House is a mess
Haven’t eaten because I have no appetite
I don’t wanna talk to anyone
Don’t wanna go anywhere
Want to sleep it away
But can’t sleep
And lastly I’ll have this heavy spirit on me. Like I just feel hella down and I don’t know why…
That’s what I was experiencing this weekend and it got me scared because I’ve been depressed before. Severely depressed, actually. And I fake got through it by being high all the time. I would feel anxious and down and would just get high. I would convince myself that getting high would make me feel better and get me to eat.
Well if you read, S/O to Food You the Realest, then you know, the smoking didn’t help. It actually made everyday life worse for me.
But just because I don’t self-medicate anymore doesn’t mean I still don’t get depressed. It just means I experience the depression in a sober state of mind. I don’t know if that’s better or worst, but it’s true. But okay, back to the story....
I live alone and for the past few weeks, maybe since like May, I’ve been learning to enjoy time by myself. After living with someone for a year, being alone frightened me. I found myself always running to one of my ships’ house or Lauren’s. But after a while I told myself like, no! We aren’t going to keep running from being alone, Jalyssa! The only way you’re going to feel more comfortable is by pushing through and truly being alone. There’s nothing wrong with that, you can do that.
So I did. I started spending more time alone. Taking baths, going for walks and it helped. I was reading my book Battlefield of the Mind and was watching church on TV. I was foreal doing good, and then it just… changed.
My alone time went from thinking positively about myself and thinking good things to thinking not so good things. My alone time was spent being critical of everyone in my life. I wrote posts like The Heart vs the Mind, where I ripped my family apart with my words. I told my best friend of 12 years that we didn’t have anything in common anymore and I needed my space. I avoided my ships, people who prior to this, I saw once a week. I missed my friend Mfon’s birthday celebration and convinced myself I didn’t give a fuck. Everyone in my life who was so special and important to me I just didn't want any parts of. I was changing slowly but surely.
I felt like I didn’t need my family. I didn’t need my ships, my friends or nobody. I was good alone.
IDK how to explain it, but I feel like the devil wants to and tries to intentionally get you alone to mess with your mind. But let me continue….
All last week I worked from home. I just didn’t want to go to the office. I had train fare, I had clean clothes, but something just wouldn't let me out the house. It was a strong feeling too. Something I felt like I couldn’t go against. So I stayed home, stayed in bed, stayed down.
Not sure what I was exactly down about, I just felt down.
Then Saturday comes.
I feel heavy. I feel like, this dark spirit over me. My heart felt heavy. It would randomly beat fast. I hadn’t showered. Hadn’t eaten. Hadn’t been to the store and hadn’t talked to no one foreal. I didn’t want to get out of bed and I felt alone. I felt like something was after me. I know this may sound crazy but it’s true. And let me remind you I am completely sober.
So I got up, went to the water by my house with my book, prayed and cried to God. Asking Him to help me. I came back home, watched a church sermon and I felt like 2% better. But that 2% worked because I was able to fall asleep.
When I’m depressed, down, going through, etc., I like to sleep it away. I be wanting to sleep so much so I don’t have to deal with reality. But just like self-medicating, once the high is over and the nap has ended, all those feelings you’ve been avoiding come crashing down again.
So after my nap, I was still feeling that sucky feeling. Something told me to call my Mom and something else told me not to because she was may be busy. Thankfully, I listened to my first mind and called her. I hadn’t talked to my Mom in months. I feel like when the devil starts messing with my mind he always isolates me from my Mom first. But again, I called her and it felt so good talking to her. I was able to tell her all the dark thoughts I was having and how I was scared. Not sure of what, just scared. I was able to cry and talk to my Mom. She prayed for me and really poured into me. I had missed this so much. Because be mindful, I had been alone, for weeks at this point.
She encouraged me to pray. She gave me some things to say out loud, I put them on my whiteboard. She reminded me that I was a child of God and that I was special. And that when you’re special the devil will try and isolate you and attack you.
I am so glad I listened to that voice and called my Mom. She spoke so much life into me. She reminded me who I was. I wasn’t this down, woe is me person. I had been doing so good. Being so positive! I was just in Atlanta and I was able to pour into my friend London’s cup and my friend April’s. I was able to talk with my cousin Zee Bee and get filled up by her. I had been even calling my Dad more to see how he was doing. Work was going well. I was saving money.
But then things changed. I started to isolate myself slowly but surely.
My Mom reminded me of the phrase, “an idle mind is the devils’ workshop” and man was she right. Because like I said earlier, my alone time changed. I went from being positive and pouring into my cup, to being critical of myself and others around me. I was spending so much idle time that the devil was able to creep in and manipulate my mind. Positive Jalyssa was no longer being positive, she was being tricked.
But God used my Mom to swoop right in and catch me before things got too deep. As I type this at my office desk, my eyes are starting to water. It’s crazy that the first person I cut off was the person who helped me through. Man…. I am so thankful for my Mom. Because who knows the kind of negative thoughts the devil would have planted in me if I wouldn't have called her….
My Mom encouraged me to get out the house. So when I got off the phone with her I called Lauren. My best friend of 12 years who I damn near cut off. She was at work and couldn't talk long but I made sure to let her know I wanted to see her when she was off. I wanted to see my friend and hug her. And apologize. This person wasn't me. And I needed to let the people I recently cut off know that.
Then I called my sis, Kat. Now if you know me, you know Kat my girl! Even before Delta we were close. We would text all day and had a genuine sisterhood. But I had been so distant.I hadn’t hit her up. I hadn’t seen my niece. I just wasn’t me. So I called her and told her what was going on with me and like the true sister she is, she helped me. She reminded me that I have friends who care about me and I can always lean on them. We then scheduled time for us to meet! She was about to wash clothes and I just wanted to get out so I was can I come too? Lol. She called Ashley and a few hours later I was with my girls. It felt so good to see my sisters. To see my ship Ashley, to feel her genuine hug (Ashley gives the best hugs). I needed it. I needed all that. It felt so good.
On Sunday, yesterday, I went to church. I purposely didn't wear any makeup because I just knew I was going to be crying. I had been feeling so down for weeks and hadn’t physically been to church and I just knew when I went the Lord was going to be speaking directly to me.
And He did.
I go to New Life Southeast. I went to the 1:30PM service this day and Pastor Hannah spoke right to me...
There’s a point during the service where he asks people to stand up, come to the front of the church and get escorted to the back for special prayer. I know I needed it. Bad. But I was scared…
I didn’t want people looking at me. My heart was beating fast. I didn’t want to standout. I was resisting. But Pastor Hannah did something I’ve never seen him do before... He told people who wanted extra prayer to just raise their hand.
This made things less weird for me. So I raised my hand. Eventually he told everyone with a hand raised to come up. 30 seconds later we were taken to the back and got prayed for. It was that simple. It was nothing for me to be nervous about. Nobody stared at me. And if they did, it was only for 30 seconds. I feel like God had Pastor Hannah do that for me. He knows I was scared so he made the process smoother for little ol me.
I went to the back, got prayed for, cried my eyes out, and hugged the woman who prayed for me. I told her what my Mom said about an idle mind being the devil’s workshop and I told her how I wanted to come to bible study so I could get out the house and do something positive. She gave me the information for it and a prayer for me to say.
I left church feeling so light. So free. That darkness I had been feeling all weekend was gone. Literally a thing of the past. I talked to my Mom at least 3 times yesterday. I pulled up on Lauren at work, hugged and apologized to her. Texted Mfon. Went and got my eyebrows done! I felt and still feel so good.
Last night I went to sleep and it was so peaceful. I didn't need music or a podcast playing in the background. I literally just stared at the wall and listed all the things I was thankful for. I’ve never done that. But like counting sheep, it helped me get sleepy.
But for some reason, I just wasn't falling asleep. I felt something, like a spirit, telling me to turn from the wall. It wasn't a negative feeling but it was strong. I’m trying to listen to my body more so I just turned around. Well because of the side of the bed I was on, when I turned around I was face to face with my Granny's picture. I have her picture by my TV in a separate frame. At that moment, I knew God was the one who wanted me to turn around and see her picture and almost suddenly I fell asleep.
I was so close to getting depressed again. So close to falling back to my old ways. So close to giving up all hope. But God literally pulled me through. Literally. And I am so thankful. So thankful that as I sit here today I feel light. No heart beating fast, no lack of appetite and no paranoia. I feel good. And I wanted to share this with you.
I don’t know if this is how your depression gets, but if so, I want you to know you aren’t alone. There are people who care about you. Genuinely! I don’t care how long its been since y’all have talked, I don’t care how much crazy stuff you’ve said to them, you can call and lean on them for support….
Because the devil will try it! Yes I feel better today, but that does not mean he won’t be back to mess with me again. But between God and my support system I know can defeat him every time. And you can too.
So thank you to my support system, y’all really helped me though. And as always, thank you to God. I can always count on You.
- Jalyssa
If you or someone you know is feeling depressed, here are some free resources to help: