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A list of things I should’ve been doing! But, you live and you learn…
Going to Bed Earlier
I don’t know if it’s because I’m 30 now, but my body can literally feel when it didn’t get enough rest. And my body won’t feel right until it does.
I remember the days of staying up til 2AM, making it to work by 8, and just downing an energy drink or coffee to make it through the day.
But now? Baby bye! I needs my rest, and more importantly I want my rest. I feel so refreshed when I’m in bed by 10PM and sleep by 10:30PM.
One, it feels good that I accomplished my goal. Two, I can get the good, quality sleep that I need. And three, my body thanks me by performing at a high level the next day.
Why? Not because of coffee, but because I gave it what it needed the night before: rest.
Something else I should’ve been doing?
Journaling
When I made one year of living in Georgia on July 22, 2023 I was very intentional about how I spent the day.
I started it by journaling about my time here so far, in particular, things I was thankful for.
The list included everything from being able to pay my rent when I was unemployed, to not getting pulled over when I was riding dirty for 6 months, to getting a new job, and so forth and so on.
After jotting all these things down, I realized that it’s truly so much to be thankful for. And that reflecting on what you’re thankful for, really does take your mind off of what you don’t have.
So now, every morning, I start my day writing what I’m thankful for…
and all together now…
“I should’ve been doing this.”
Another plus of journaling is that I can be as transparent as I like. Granted, I’ve very transparent with the blog, I’ve told yall about my 25-year old heartbreak, I’ve told yall about when I couldn’t let go of the Mary Jane, and I’ve told yall how struggling with anxiety can really suck.
But there are some things I don’t tell yall, and that’s when I journal.
Journaling is not only a means for me to express my thankfulness to God, it’s also a way for me to express everything. The things I can’t tell yall, the things I run out of time to tell my therapist, the things I need to get off my chest.
And if you’re looking for an outlet to do the same, go to Dollar Tree, get you a 50 cent composition book (that’s what I use) and start journaling.
It may very well change your life.
Something else I should have been doing…
Following My Gut
I should’ve been following my gut because honestly, I be knowing!
I know when a “friend” is being lowkey shady and highkey jealous.
I know when a mf is trying to finesse.
And I know when someone is trying to manipulate me.
I know because I get this feeling in my gut. It’s kind of like a sign… think of Raven Baxter and her visions. Like that, but in my stomach.
And if you’re a fan of the show, you remember how strong Raven’s visions used to be! It whole had her stop in the middle of what she was doing, eyes bucked, and sometimes mouth opened. That’s how strong my gut feelings be!
But then here comes my heart and my brain, being all empathetic and what not...
Leading me to justify and ultimately give people excuses as to why they move the way they move.
“But everyone has trauma, this is just their trauma talking…”
True, people can have trauma but that doesn’t mean they get a pass to mistreat others.
“And everyone has baggage.”
Also true, but that doesn’t mean you get to use it as a crutch.
And my favorite, that I always use to justify people’s shitty ways…
“It’s the mommy issues, or the daddy issues, or both.”
Now chile, as someone who has mommy issues, daddy issues, sister issues, being a Black woman in America issues, I feel you. However, that does not negate me from working on myself and trying to be a better me…
There’s therapy, there’s journaling, there’s the Lord! We not gon use the mommy and daddy issues as an excuse.
So yeah… no.
But recently, I’ve been following my gut, and it’s been working. There’s been less back and forth between what I think I should do and what my gut tells me to do.
There’s been less making excuses for people and more keeping it real with myself and others.
There’s been less anxiety, less indecisiveness, less confusion.
I don’t feel the need to overthinking anything.
And I find myself feeling more confident in following my gut and just going with it….
Something else I should’ve been doing?
Stopping Unhealthy Cycles
A lot of us have that “one, special person.” That person you always seem to let back in, even though it never seems to work. That person who can make you so happy, but so sick at the same damn time. That person who you know you should have left a long time ago, but didn’t for a number of reasons, whether that’s history, loyalty, lust…
And as an ex-member of the toxic-cycle club, I can assure you I should’ve ended my subscription many years ago. But now that I’m out of the sunken place, I can confidently say this:
Love shouldn’t be that damn hard.
If you keep having to force it, maybe, just maybe, it’s not meant to be,
When you’ve been with somebody for a while they start to learn you, and may use certain tactics (aka manipulation) to keep you in the cycle or reel you back in.
Ask yourself this: is it really love? Or is a little love and a lot of lust? Because sex can alter your way of thinking.
Think about reality vs what you’ve envisioned. So many times we stay in things because of the potential, what it could be, what you want it to be. But look at the reality, is that what’s really going on? Is this what you really want?
Distance helps, a lot.
Preoccupying your time with healthy things and people helps a lot.
Sometimes God will make you so uncomfortable that you have no choice but to leave.
Bonus: once you leave, don't spin the block. Or you will have to start all over again.
I could keep going and going, but yeah. If you read any of the above and felt something in your gut. That’s your body talking to you, don’t ignore it. Also, please note that the above can apply to friends and family too…
Something else I should have been doing?
Advocating for Myself
Growing up I conditioned myself to not ruffle any feathers.
No shade, but my sister was very rebellious growing up, and I saw how much it stressed my entire family out, especially my mom. So I made sure to do the opposite.
I learned how not to complain, how not to ask for much… to settle. All in an effort to not piss anybody off.
Well, things that you learn at a young age tend to follow you throughout your adult years, if you don’t put a stop to it.
Because with work, with dating, with friendships and loved-ones, I find myself not wanting to ruffle any feathers.
So if that means putting up with less-than-great treatment, I’d do it. If that means brushing off the blatant shade and jealousy, I’ll do that too. And if that means silencing myself, then… mumms the word.
And not because I don’t have that umph in me, right? I am a blunt, straightforward Aries. I am from the Southside of Chicago. My mother is a hot-headed Scorpio, I get my period every month which leaves me spicy as f*ck. So it ain’t that it’s not in me!
But I have been teaching myself not to ruffle feathers for so long, and to put other people’s feelings before my own for so long, that I found myself not advocating for me...
Momma frustrated that my sister is missing in action? Well let me not tell her how I’m getting bullied at school, I don’t want to make her even more upset.
Boyfriend frustrated that the child support people on his ass? Well let me not bring up that this relationship is giving me anxiety, don’t wanna add to his list of frustrations.
Co-workers stressed with a tight timeline? Well let me not make things worse and correct them on the pronunciation of my name for the umpteeth time.
These examples, plus more, are all real. And in each one, I put the other person’s feelings before my own. And every time I did it for them, I didn’t advocate for me.
If anything, I felt less than, and heavy, and like I just betrayed the closest person I know… myself.
But just imagine if I would’ve just advocated for me in those moments:
“Hey mom, I’m sorry your first kid has taken after you and is being extremely rebellious. But this one right here? Yeah I’m getting bullied and we should probably talk about it before I wanna end my fucking life.”
“Hey boyfriend! I’m sorry you put your raw penis in somebody, ejaculated, got them pregnant, and now you have to pay them a lot of money. But this relationship is way more than I can handle right now so I think we should break up.”
“Hey coworker! I understand you waited until the last minute to submit the request and now you’re on a tight deadline. But I must remind you that my name is pronounced JUH-LEE-SUH, mkay?”
So yeah. Things I should have been doing? Years ago?
Advocating for myself. Using my voice. Not betraying myself. And trusting that I’ll be fine…
A couple of months ago I had to let my momma know that this ain’t that. Yes, she’s been pissed and hasn’t talked to me for 6 months, but least I advocated for myself.
Over a year ago I let dude know that our relationship wasn’t working for me anymore and I wanted to end things for good this time. Yeah he may convince himself that I’m not “ride or die” (which is a bold face lie). But at least I advocated for myself.
And yes, I started a new job where some people still say my name wrong. But I correct them each and every time, because if you can say Beethoven, Albert Einstein, and Barbra Streisand, you can say Jalyssa.
But yeah, going to bed early, journaling, following my gut, stopping unhealthy cycles, and advocating for myself are things I should have been doing… what about you?
Til next time, peace.