Disclaimer: Mom, please don't read this.
Look, I was living with my man for a year. So I’m used to getting worked out! But now, what's a girl to do? No more in-house D. No more morning D and no more I'm bored just let me sit on it, D. My whole routine is different now. So I've had to get a little...creative?
And invest in some plastic.
Now I play zero games when it comes to my plastic! I keep her charged, clean and on the side of me. We sleep together every night and she ride-or-die! But, can’t even lie, sometimes the plastic just ain't enough. I enjoy feeling another person's body. Big hands and broad chest. Nice cologne and clean fingernails. My plastic ain't got allat. It's just... plastic (or silicone, whatever). So again, what's a girl to do?
Get some more plastic!
Something a little more advanced. Something to get me feeling right! Because I refuse to just let any ol' man touch me. My ex was my MAN! Anybody after him will have a hard time getting to know me and lil mama downstairs. So for now, plastic it is *fake smile*
Now I know I'm not the only woman out here feeling like this. Wanting the D but not the person attached to it. Wanting to feel affection but not all the BS and games that come with it. Because men just don't know how to act! And I'm not giving this pretty, Brazilian waxed coochie to just anybody (you know how much these waxes cost?). Plus, my vagina just got a mind of her own. Yeah she would prefer real D over plastic but life isn't always fair now is it? So here's why I'm staying #TeamPlastic and why I encourage my focused, chasing that bag, no time for games, ladies to invest in some too...
- Exhibit A: She likes what she likes.
How many times have you thought you liked a guy and was ready to let him into your poonana just to find out he don't get the juices flowing? Now you gotta make a decision. Hit em with the "I can't do this" (my fave line) OR just let him dive in and see what happens ( I hope yall ain't doing this - it's your coochie, f*ck him).
Know what can prevent this? The Plastic.
- Exhibit B: The F Word
Now I truly believe every woman has a little Thotiana in her. And that's good! Live your life sis! There's nothing wrong with being responsibly free. Take that D and leave him on read! Hit him up when you feel like it! Don't let him fall asleep in your bed, tap him on the shoulder so he can go! Get that D when you want and how you want!
But be careful not to catch.... "feelings."
Ugh, I know. I hate that word too. But it's true! After a few doses of good D, you start to think about it more… On the train, in the house, at work, during meetings. And you may start to catch feelings for the person attached to it…
And that's why I gotta stay #TeamPlastic because I got ZERO time! I don't feel like liking none of y’all. Because as soon as I start liking you, you gon’ switch up. It's science! And I'm Einstein. Y’all don't be on shitake mushrooms and I don't wanna be your girl. Real D feels good, but overthinking and getting attached does not.
Know what can prevent this? The Plastic.
- Exhibit C: The most important one... ORGASMS.
Now sis, if you are having consistent sex but not having consistent orgasms this is for you. And I'm talking REAL orgasms. Not the fake moaning ones, or the “this my man so ima just let him pound my coochie even though it don’t feel good” ones. Nope! None of that. I'm talking that whew chile he gon’ make a bih fall in love orgasm! That what size you wear in Jordan’s orgasm. That he gon’ make me give him a baby orgasm (too far).
Real quick science lesson: penetration orgasms are extremely rare. Meaning, you need to get your clit stimulated to have an orgasm. Issa fact.
But men can be selfish (not all men, but enough of em). And that’s not cool!
Not trying to keep score, but let's be real. Most women need their clits stimulated to have an orgasm. So If your man don't eat the box EVERY TIME y’all getting it in it's a higher chance of you NOT having an orgasm. Which isn't fair! Because he don't have to get topped off to have one. He gon’ get his regardless! And that ain’t cool! We the ones with the prized possession, not him! TF! (I’m mad lmao).
Know what can prevent this? The Plastic.
So ladies, now that we have seen all the potential hazards of why real D is very dangerous, here are a few positives about plastic and why you should invest in one:
On Demand
You ain't gotta send that "wanna come over text" the plastic right there! All you have to do is keep it charged and it's TTG (trained to go). I suggest getting some plastic with a lithium ion battery. These batteries are less likely to go out and you can keep your plastic for years to come.
No feelings, No problem!
My plastic is my lil hoe. We don't do no talking and we know exactly what it is! I don't have to worry about mixed feelings, getting sent off or nobody tryna sleep on my side of the bed. Cause this ain’t that, I needs my space!
The Safest Sex... is Sex With Yourself.
Having sex with another person is always a risk. I don't care if you've been together 5 years or 5 minutes. Any time you let someone insert you it's a chance they can give you a disease, an infection, or a baby.
But not when you're alone! The plastic don’t care what you got going on and you can't get yourself pregnant. Plus, when you do decide to go get some real D you will know exactly how you like it because you've done it alone so many times.
As a now single woman, I encourage all my ladies to invest in some plastic. Even if you’re getting consistent D, get you some plastic! Use it with your man, alone, or both. Either way, just know you ain't gotta be out here DRY. And you ain’t gotta be out here dealing with the fool attached to the D if you don’t want to.
So let’s help each other out! Below are a few of my fave pieces of plastic and some on my wish list ;) Got some suggestions? Leave em in the comments below. Help a sista out! We gon’ get through this together.
I got all these plastics on my wish list! * Meek Mill voice *