It’s Thursday, May 2nd. My alarm goes off, I open my eyes, and here comes what I call “the list.” My anxiety is like a never-ending list of things I have to worry about. A never-ending list of things I have to take care. A never-ending list of worries. Here’s a few, in no specific order:
Ugh, I have to take that XFinity box back before they charge me
I need a raise
Fuck, it’s raining
Damn I gotta move my car
I hope I didn’t get a ticket
If I did get a ticket that’s another bill
I can’t afford a ticket right now
Speaking of bills, I just got paid and I’m broke again. How sway?
I wish I had family who I could lean on for help
Ugh, but we all so dysfunctional and I don’t want them in my business
I could ask my ships for money, but I legit just borrowed some 2 weeks ago
Wait I don’t even know if I have a ticket
I’m still in bed
Fuck, let me get up for work
All that. In the matter of 5 minutes.
It’s draining to say the least.
My mind runs all day. Every day. I feel like I have a million and one things to worry about. From my finances, to my health, to my safety.
Oh, speaking of safety. Here’s a glimpse of how paranoid I am:
*Gets on apartment elevator*
*Man gets on after me*
*I press the button to get to my floor*
*He presses the button to get to his floor*
*His floor is after mine*
*I start thinking he doesn’t really live in the building and that he’s going to follow me to my apartment and rape me*
*I make it to my floor, get off and go inside*
It’s actually really sad. My anxiety makes me so nervous to the point that I am paranoid. At times, I worry about social media as well. Asking myself questions like:
Do people be keeping tabs on where I am?
Is someone going to pop up at my apartment like Myron did on Diamond in The Players Club?
Do I need to move different?
When really, people don’t be thinking about me. Yeah, y’all may watch my stories, but people have their own lives. “Nobody is thinking about capturing or killing you Jalyssa” is what I have to tell myself. Especially before I post something. But this is how my mind works. This is how bad my anxiety has gotten. I don’t care how much I laugh and joke on the gram. I legit be going through.
And it’s starting to have an effect on my everyday routine. Soon as I wake up, I’m thinking. Sometimes it gets so bad, where I have so many things to do, and such a long list, I just don’t get out of bed. It’s too many things on my to-do list and I don’t be knowing where to start. So I just lay there. Exhausted. Before my feet even hit the floor.
I’ve always been a nervous little girl. My family trained me to be very cautious. Of everything.
“When walking home from school don’t always take the same route. Somebody could be watching you!” My Granny would say.
“Never get too close to a man, he may try and snatch you! Or touch you inappropriately.”
“Always check that you’ve locked your doors. Someone may walk in your house!”
But since living alone, it’s gotten worse. And rightfully so...
Since I was little I had my mom and sister around. Telling me what to do and thinking for me. Then I went to school and had a set schedule: school, work, extracurriculars. Basically getting told what to do. Then after 6 years of that, I graduated and moved in with my boyfriend. We had a schedule: get up, go to work, come home, get lit, cook dinner, go to sleep, do it all over again the next day. (I know, I have to stop mentioning him. But it’s hard. He was so special to me. Give me time, lbs).
I’ve been getting influenced and told what to do my whole life. So now, at the age of 26. What’s a girl to do? I’m not listening to my mom and sister no more and my man aint my man no more... So I have to figure it out on my own. Which can be hard. Because I don’t always know...
I talk to my ships about this sometimes. Especially my ship, Gabby. She’s a case manager and deals with her client’s mental state all the time. So talking to her helps. She doesn’t make me feel like I’m overreacting or being dramatic. She makes me feel comfortable while expressing my deepest worries and encourages me to call a therapist...
Speaking of my ships. They’re so important to me. The bond we have is so special. Living together while on the road to Deltaland made us close AF! I want them in my wedding, I want them to be at my daughter’s dance recitals. All that and some!
But my anxiety doesn’t care about them. My anxiety trumps any and every one in my life. And I hate it.
A week ago my ship lost her Grandma. It all happened so sudden. We were just out that night and the next day she told us. I felt terrible. Ain’t nothing like losing your Grandma… I know.
I wanted to be there for her. Even if I didn’t know exactly what to say, I wanted to see my sister and hug her. But my anxiety wouldn’t let me.
On Saturday, when she said she was free to meet with a few of us, I said I couldn’t make it...
You know how guilty I felt about that? Not being able to be there for my sister? Who is experiencing such a huge heartbreak? Because of this weak ass fucking anxiety? It really pisses me off because it don’t be me. It don’t be Jalyssa. Jalyssa would have been there with a shoulder to cry on and $5 to put on the dope (if she wanted to partake). But this anxiety. It’s starting to take over my life…
Wanna know why I couldn’t see her? Because as usual, my anxiety had me in bed, exhausted, overwhelmed, asking myself these kind of questions…
How are you going to be there for her? You know nothing about death.
You haven’t even dealt with your Grandmother’s death and it’s been 10 years. You’ll be zero help.
You don’t even have any gas, what if your car stops?
Yeah you could use your credit card, but what if you max it out again?
You know you can’t afford to swipe it because you won’t be able to pay it down.
Do you want to get back in debt?
Your credit score is about to drop again. Damn, you just don’t learn huh?
If you get in debt, who is going to help you get out?
If anything, people think you got that bag! So asking will be embarrassing in itself.
Would you ask your ships to meet your here? At your house?
Wow, you’re selfish as hell. She just lost her Grandma and you’re going to have her travel all the way here?
And so forth and so on.
I never saw my ship that day. I put in the chat that I couldn’t make it because I needed a mental day. Which was true. But what did I do instead? Stayed in bed, until about 6PM, running through my list and feeling exhausted, guilty and completely over it.
Sometimes I only get relief when I’m sleep. So I be wanting to take naps. Naps for as long as I can, because I know once I get up the thoughts will start flowing again.
The day after not being able to see my ship, I talked to my other ship, Gabby. We laughed and joked about her weekend then we got to mine. I’m really comfortable with Gabby. So I was able to tell her exactly how I felt. The nervousness, the paranoia, the guilt. Gabby is really easy to talk to and has a soothing approach. I truly get something out of our conversations.
As always, she encouraged me to see a therapist but also provided me with a tool to use until then...
Preventative Measures
(I was going to look up the real definition, but this is the gist of it).
Basically you’re “doing or not doing something to keep from having an anxious episode.”
For example, I get anxious when I go downstairs to do laundry and leave the candle lit. I assume I’m going to start a fire and burn the building down (typing this and I’m literally like wow! Wtf be wrong with me lbs). So a preventative measure could be blowing out the flame. It’s not worth the anxiety. Especially when I can come upstairs and just relight it. Again, not worth the anxiety.
So I’m trying to do that now. Trying to convince myself that everything doesn’t need a reaction. Everything isn’t worth the anxiety. I can literally do little stuff to feel better. So that’s where I am now. Trying to feel peace in a world full of worries. Trying to convince myself that worrying about any and every thing under the sun won’t help.
So I wanted to share my new tool. Gabby told me about preventative measures on Sunday, April 28th. And on Sunday, April 28th I put up a post-it in my house to remind me of it. I have not used the tool everyday, because sometimes my thoughts can get so intense I just forget to do what’s right. But I’m trying. Slowly but surely, I’m trying.
You be feeling anxious too? If so, I’m sorry you have to experience that. It’s literally the worst. And it’s crazy because it’s all in our heads. But I do encourage you to think about preventative measures. Ask yourself “what can I do to not put myself in an anxious situation?” And see if that helps...
Sending peace and positivity your way.
- Anxious Auntie