Technically, I’ve been single for almost a year. But not really. I made this big ordeal... packed my stuff, moved out, just to sit up and think about him all day. Leaving him was hard. So hard. Have you ever been in a situation where your mind is telling you one thing but your heart the other? That was our whole relationship in a nutshell: logically we shouldn’t be together, but our hearts and spirits have always felt so connected.
We would call each other soulmates, and let the other know how in love we were. I’ve dreamed of giving him a son, our wedding reception and future office christmas parties. We were supposed to get a house and have a joint office. We wanted matching tattoos and a wedding with a dock nearby so we could see the water.
All that. All those fantasies. All those plans. Just for it to not work out…
As i type this, I can’t help but cry. The love I have for my ex is so real. I’ve never loved someone so much in such a special way. He’s hurt me and I’ve hurt him. But being apart doesn’t even sound realistic. We were just living together, waking up in the same bed, thirsty to interact. Now, I’m alone. With my thoughts. And although therapeutic, I’m still sad.
Sad because things didn’t work out. I’ve been envisioning what our lives would be like for almost 9 years. Taking my virginity was a huge deal and I was convinced he would be my husband. I was convinced we would have kids and start a life together. I just knew we would get married...
But I was wrong. And now I’m dealing with reality. But to be honest, reality isn’t bad. We can both focus on ourselves individually and if its meant to be we’ll come back together right?
Well it’s not that easy. Because when I hear a 2 Chainz song I think of him. When I go to make a new meal I think of how he taught me how to cook. When I think of wanting to go grab food, I’m remembering all the cool restaurants we would go to. And it makes me sad. So fucking sad.
Things are going really well for me though. I have a home that I LOVE. My job keeps my creative juices flowing. My friends are lit. My blog is my baby!
But my heart. My heart is still so broken. And that’s me being hella real.
I don’t want anybody else. No other guy makes me feel like he does. And even though he’s broken my heart more times than I can count... I love him.
But this just isn’t going to work. He doesn’t trust me and I don’t trust him. I’m insecure and so is he. Our pasts include hard pills to swallow but we should able to push through, right? Right?
This isn’t a typical story. I usually write my stories with some kind of silver lining at the end. But for now, this is all I got. Right now, I’m just trying to push through. To not let the loneliness overtake me and call him because we both agreed to be done. To not think about if he’s thinking about me. To tell myself he won’t move on to another girl, even though he’s done it before. Trying to convince myself that he won’t go back to his old ways and break my heart again.
It’s a daily struggle.
Some days I just want to go back. And have what once was. But the reality is... Things will never be the same. We aren’t those same 18 year olds who met in college. This isn’t an innocent love anymore. We know what we are doing. We know that staying together will only hurt us in the long run. We know that we need to focus on ourselves, 1000% before we can even think about repairing our relationship.
But it’s hard. We have spent so much time together. We have comforted each other so much. When things got hard for me last year he was there. We were depressed together. And although that’s nothing to be proud of, it was a moment. Our moment. One of our a million moments. That I just can’t stop thinking about.
I love him. God knows I do. But my heart hurts...
I’ve had these fantasizes about our life for years and for it to not even be a possibility anymore hurts. I really thought I would have his last name. The last few months of our relationship I even started to sign my receipts with it.
I was obsessed, in love, in LaLa Land.
Because again, the reality is… we’ve hurt each other. We have hurt each other so much. And never really got to the root of it. And once we finally broke up and had that realization it was too late. Too many scars, too much hurt, too much damage had been done. So now, we basically have to give up. Let the universe win and give up on something we just knew we had control over.
I’m scared to post this. Because I don’t want him to read it and think it’s really through. Even though I know it needs to be. I’m listening to H.E.R. Pandora station and of course, Take You There, the song that always makes me think of him comes on.
“I needed to distance myself from you, oh just to know you were the truth.”
This has been me for the past few months… I left him last summer. I needed distance. But not too long ago, I went back.
It felt so good to feel his touch again. To look at his pretty brown eyes and see those nice teeth. I missed him so much. And when I randomly called him on private that night, he answered, and came over. It felt so good. We hadn’t spoken in months.
We had done this in college several times before. You know… be together for months, stop talking cold-turkey for a few, and back around again. Now I see this is a cycle. A cycle of everlasting dysfunction until one of us takes a stand.
I went to therapy a few months ago. I was at my wit’s end and just needed to get it all out. I spent the whole hour telling her about our chaotic relationship. The back and forth with exes, the moving in together super fast, me trying to get pregnant. And she said something to me that I’ll never forget. It wasn’t super therapeutic or anything I thought it would be. She simply said…
He sounds like your dad.
In and out. Comes back when he pleases. Leaves when things get too hot and knows how to smoothly sliver back in….
At that moment, I shut down. That was territory I never really dug too deep into. My dad is cool. I don’t dislike him anymore. But that reality really fucking hit me…
I have an issue letting things go. I’ve always known how to hold a grudge and I’m very good at being consistent and working with something to see if it will work...
But the reality is, sometimes things just don’t work. No matter how good you and another person may look together, y’all just might not be meant to be together. And the longer you try and force it to work, the more you may start to despise one another.
Me and my ex, lowkey, in the back of our minds, knew it wouldn’t work. When I hurt him years ago, he never really truly got over it. When he hurt me years ago, I never truly got over it.
But we tried to make it work. We would roll our dope, look into each other’s eyes and forget about all we had been through…
Forget the decit, remember when we first met at EIU? Fuck the undeniable hurt, “I’m gonna marry you” he would say. But that’s not real. We haven’t been being real. We have been in LaLa land. You cant want to marry me, when you don’t trust me and swear I have this secret, sneaky, promiscuous side. I can’t give you a baby when I’m still hurt it wouldn’t be both of our first.
But then I look at our picture. We look so happy. Smiling from ear to ear. Some even say we are glowing. But they don’t know what our relationship looks like inside...
So now, I’m here. Sad, heartbroken and literally never wanting to give another guy a try. I don’t want to date. I don’t want to meet anyone new. I just want to stop thinking of what we could've been. I want to stop being sad that we won’t get married, I want to stop being sad that we won’t have our home together. I want to stop being dissatisfied with our ending.
Like I said in the beginning of this blog. Life really is going well. I love my home, my job, my friends, and my blog. But none of those feel like he would make me feel. And now I’m stuck trying to forget a feeling that felt so good.
In college he would joke and say he felt like he was addicted to me. Eventually I started to feel the same.
I’ve cut him off before and never dealt with the emotions. Just would let him back in a few months later because that’s just what we do.
Well now… it’s not a cut off. Now we both are letting each other go. It won’t be a bitter thing because we know that this is best...
I’m so sad. I’m literally typing this and crying. I wanted this to work so bad. I just knew it was going to. I just knew if I worked on myself we would be able to get back together. But it's just not working anymore. Things aren't the same. I say I don’t want him to read this...but I do. So he can know how much this hurts me and I know it hurts him too.
I love you so much KP. And will continue to pray for you... You can keep the Bible I gave you. I’m praying that one day it will bring us back together.
- Love, J.