Everyone talks about being alone and “working on yourself,” but nothing prepared me for this. No one talks about this...
I wake up, alone.
I come home, alone.
I go to the store, alone.
And although it’s nothing wrong with being alone, it’s an adjustment. I want to embrace it, but it’s hard…
Cause I’m always alone. Alone in a world that encourages finding love, working on your relationships and putting “family first.” Rarely do you see quotes on Instagram about setting boundaries, the hiccups of friendships and dysfunctional family ties.
But again, this is all an adjustment for me… truly being “alone.”
Cause I’m alone when I want to be and alone when I don’t want to be. I’m alone because I’m trying to work on myself, I know I need the space and time, but I’m still hesitant about it all...
You see, I’ve never lived alone. I mean, in grad school I had my own place, but between my neighbor turned friend and this one guy (another ex-fling who hates me, aye did y’all share To All The Guys I Ghosted… I’m Sorry with him?) I was never truly alone. And when I did have an occasional moment of being alone and feeling the loneliness that comes with it, I always knew how to fill that void.
But with filling that void, I never truly experienced what I was running from. So now I’m here. Literally and figuratively alone and feeling uncomfortable as fuck. Wanting the space, needing the space but steady neglecting it...
No one told me how real it was being alone...
Sitting in your thoughts, running through all the what-ifs and decisions you’ve made. Questioning if you made the right ones and if the grass was greener on the other side.
No one talks about the emotions attached with being alone…
I’ll go from happy to disappointed to scared all in the matter of hours. Happy that I have the opportunity to work on myself and enjoy my space. Disappointed that the plans I set for my love life didn’t pan out. And scared of... a lot. Scared that I’ll always be alone. Scared that this loneliness won’t go away. Scared that maybe I made the wrong decision (I’m emotional writing this, logically I know I made the best decision for me. Just let me have my moment).
No one talks about how much things change when you’re alone…
The friends who don’t understand and become distant towards you. The relationships that suffer. It can be a lot. Especially for someone who is not used to being alone. Especially for a people-pleaser like me.
I find myself running from being alone. It’s different. I’m not used to it. So even when I want to sit in the house and chill. I come up with a million excuses as to why I shouldn’t...
I convince myself that the 1% urge I have to go out and kick it (after working 8 hours, a 1.5 hour train commute, and limited sleep) will feel better than spending time in the house...alone. I’ll be all “I want to go out!” When really, I just don’t want to be alone (for the umpteenth time).
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind kicking it! I’m actually a social butterfly (when I feel like it). But it’s one thing to want to genuinely kick it and another thing to be finding any excuse to not be alone...in my true, sober thoughts.
I love my friends and hanging out with them! But I should also be content with sitting in my pretty apartment, watching TV and looking out at my gorgeous view without feeling completely and utterly uncomfortable about it.
But again, I’m ALWAYS alone. And it gets kinda old…
This, however, is not a cry for attention or new friends. I’m good where I’m at. I love the friends I have and to be honest I’m not trying to recruit any more (or be recruited). To be honest, these are excuses.
So I have to learn how to be alone. Foreal alone...
Oh, and while I’m here, please don’t encourage me to get on Tinder or go to my local bar to meet new friends. It’s an escape route. Because the time I’ll spend in the bar, trying to get to know someone new, I could spend getting to know me. This “new Jalyssa.” I need to spend quality time with her, see what she likes and dislikes. Learn her new ways and mindset. Something I’ve consistently neglected for 26 years.
I’m telling myself to write something inspiring. To start my next sentence like “so now I am going to work on being alone. I am going to sign up for those yoga classes I’ve been thinking about, go to the movies alone for the first time and really focus on me.” I want to say that and mean it.
But it’s hard…
You know, someone recently told me to “shut up and get some hoes.” And that just goes to show how our generation thinks. Instead of spending time to get to know me and take time for myself after getting out of a relationship, I should take the easy route and “get some hoes.” Aka get over one person, by getting under another.
But I can’t even lie… there’s a part of me that’s waiting on a guy to come and save me from this loneliness. Fact about me, I can pull a dude, no sweat. I know how to flirt and I know how to get a guy to like me. (Them dudes I used to talk to ain’t still mad for no reason).
But for what? Why do that? Why carry the issues I have within myself from one relationship to the next? Why use another person to get love, consistency, appreciation and time? When I can get all these things from myself…
But again…it’s hard.
Plus, I know men. And men at this age, don’t know how to be alone either. How many people do you know that’s ALWAYS dating somebody? The girl who stays with a boyfriend and the guy with hella hoes? These people aren’t just serial daters… they don’t know how to be alone either. And I don’t want to be like that…
But I see how it’s so common. It’s easier to jump from one relationship to another than to deal with one, heal, process what took place, and take time learning yourself after the relationship has ended. But again I get it, because being alone is hard...
But these are excuses.
So now, I’m here. Alone. It’s 6:05 on a Saturday morning (the human alarm clock is real - I don’t even get up this early for work) - and I’m in my most soberest and clearest state of mind. Thinking that I want to do something today… alone. But hesitant and resisting it all. Wanting to make fake plans with someone just to secretly not want to go, because I want to be… alone. Wanting to feel wanted from a genuine person… just to know, I should still be working on myself and be single for a while (I mean, I was just in a whole ass relationship - take a break sis, damn!)
But it’s hard….
And what are these? These are all excuses. And what are excuses?
Excuses are the tools of incompetence, in which build monuments of nothingness. Those who specialize in them seldom succeed in anything else, excuses.
Excuses. I’m full of them. Trying to find any and every way not to be alone because it’s just that “hard” and I’m used to having someone around… Trying to tell myself I’m ready to be in the presence of another man knowing good and well I’m not. Trying to tell myself that right now, at the age of 26, I need to have it all sorted out. Telling myself that patience is not a virtue and every time I go down that lonely tunnel, alone, it’s easier to turn back and fill that void. It’s time to accept it. I’m alone and right now it’s hard. But...
What are excuses?