I recently told my immediate family that I needed space. Bold AF of me, I know. But it’s true. Yes, Little Lele, the youngest grandchild, the sweet, mild-mannered, poster child for “staying in a child’ place” told her family straight up, “I love yall but I need my space.”
Yeah, it’s true...
I love my family. I truly do. But with this new journey I’m on, it’s imperative that I put Jalyssa first. Before any friend, family member, job or side hustle. Mentally I have to be good. And unfortunately, my family ties were having an effect on that.
My family loves me. They truly do. Each member of my family has been there for me in a number of ways and I appreciate them so much for that. So for me to flat out tell them, “I am asking for space from you guys. I am not angry but I need to learn how to deal with how I feel about our family as a whole” was bold AF. But it’s true, I needed space. I still need space. I am getting space.
It was necessary for me to set this boundary so I could get in touch with myself. Not Little Lele, not what my family has “trained” me to be, but the real me. Jalyssa.
My family has had so much of an influence on me. More good than bad, of course! If you read If I Should Have a Daughter then you know their influence has been monumental. My mom has taught me how to be a personable business woman. My sister showed me what a confident young lady looks like. My aunt inspired me to have a garden and even taught me how to use silverware. And my Granny showed me how to be a good friend and what to put in my little purses. I appreciate them for that. I am the classy, poised and put-together woman I am today because of them. I appreciate it all so much.
But at the same time… I’ve learned, well for better words “unintentionally picked up” on some not so good traits too...
I don’t know how to be real with myself and I struggle with addressing the elephant in the room. Like most families, we didn’t talk about everything. Some stuff we just swept under the rug and kept it pushing. But now that I’m older, I can’t help but think… how can I continue to have real relationships with people when they or myself mess up? (Which happens, because no one is perfect). How can I keep my relationships afloat and confront situations in a mature and respectful way if I’ve never seen that growing up? If I’ve never been taught it?
This is why I needed space.
I don’t know how to go to church and absorb the Word. So sad but so true. If you know anything about my family, you know we grew up in church. From my older cousins Lisa, Ray Ray and Muscle (aye black people love nicknames) down to my sister and I. Everyone stayed in church and if you didn’t, either Granny or Auntie would have something to say about it next time they saw you.
But to be honest, and I have to keep it honest, I didn’t learn much about God growing up in the church. If you were to ask me to recite a Bible verse, I wouldn’t be able to. If you asked me the books of the Bible, I would fumble. But how is this possible? How can someone who went to church pretty much every Sunday of their childhood life not know such simple things?
Well, church was… intense. Now that I am older I am able to connect the dots and remember how I used to feel. When in church I used to be nervous. All the time. I had a Grandmother who was on the finance committee and very well respected. An aunt who was in the choir and very active in church. And other church members who expected me to always be on my Ps and Qs because I come from such a good family. So as I was sitting there, looking as if I was paying attention to the Pastor, I was in my mind thinking of a thousand and one things I was and was not supposed to be doing.
“Don’t chew gum in church.”
“Keep your legs crossed.”
“Make sure your dress is long enough.”
“Clap when everyone else claps.”
“Stand up!”
“Say Hallelujah!”
“Give for offering.”
“Don’t fall asleep!”
“Pay attention.”
So forth and so on….
For a little girl, not even a teenager yet, it was exhausting. I had so many rules and trainings I had to follow so paying attention to the Word was the last thing on my mind. But isn’t that the point of church? To go, hear the word, absorb it, so you can be prepared to face this crazy world before you go into the week?
This is why I needed space.
I don’t know how to forgive. All families have their problems. Hell, now that I’m older, I feel like all families have their own version of dysfunction. And although I would NEVER expose my family’s secrets, it can be hard to act like certain things didn’t happen...
No, no one ever sexually assaulted me. I wasn’t getting abused and I was never homeless (Thanks be to God). But issues, whether big or small, have an effect on people. And if you never learn to truly forgive the people who you feel have wronged you, how can yall foreal be close?
I saw a lot growing up. From money issues between family members to year long silent treatments. I’ve seen us come together for Thanksgiving and I’ve seen us not reach out to one another except for on Facebook (gotta look like a family on Facebook, right?) But one thing I’ve never ever seen, was forgiveness.
So now, as a 26 year old woman, who has been wronged by friends, family, co-workers and hell, society as a whole. How do I forgive? I never learned. That wasn’t instilled in me as a child. If anything, I have hella trust issues and lowkey hold grudges disguised as funny “shade.”
This is why I need my space.
But, with all these realizations, I can’t lie. I feel guilty. It hasn’t been long since I sent them that long text asking for space and requesting no one pop up at my house or reach out to my friends to “see what’s wrong with Lele” (sidenote, I officially hate my old nickname literally don’t want people calling me that anymore) but the guilt is real. It’s not terrible. Like, I’m not thinking about it all the time, I can eat and go on about my day. But when I think about it and my heart comes into play, I’m in shock. I’ll say things like, “damn did I really tell my people that?” Or “I’m bold as hell.” But I needed the space. I have to learn so many things and unlearn some too. I wasn’t trying to be mean, I was just being honest.
And here’s where the conflict comes into play…
My mind knows I did the right thing. It’s best for me to be upfront about my change in behavior. I didn’t want my Aunt calling and I ignore her. I didn’t want my Mom tagging me on Facebook and I’m giving her cold, dry responses. I wanted to be real and let them know like… this ain’t that.
I don’t want to fake the funk with my family anymore. I am not well mannered, stay in my place, youngest grandchild Lele anymore. I have an opinion. I am grown. And not in a “I don’t have to listen to anyone kind of way.” I take mentorship and genuine conversations very seriously. (That’s why me and my older cousin Zee Bee are so close. Zee Bee is real. Zee Bee will talk to me like an adult and will give me real advice. I am not embarrassed to call and talk to her. She doesn’t make me feel like a terrible person for keeping it real and she doesn’t scold me if I have a different opinion than her.)
But I am grown in the sense that, I can set these kind of boundaries and there’s really nothing anyone can do about it. Again, not trying to be mean or disrespectful (my people love using that word, especially when your opinion varies from theirs) I am just being real. Since I was little my family called me “Keep it Real Lele.” But when I keep it real with them, they would make me feel guilty about it…
So what do I do? Keep it real and have to deal with comments like:
“You’re disrespectful”
“You’re Selfish!”
“What would your Grandmother say?”
Or shut up and be torn down when all I want to do is be heard?
And since we are here, let me make this very clear. I 1000% understand that presentation is everything. Yes, I can have a slick mouth at times, we all do. But whether I am approaching family members in a subtle way or aggressive way I always get the same result. I always get shut down. So it makes me not want to talk to them. Which sucks. Because I can’t talk to my ships or friends about everything. Sometimes I need and want the advice from my family. But they can be so hard to talk to and so judgmental at times (except Zee Bee). So it keeps me from being real with them. It keeps me distant…
(And sidenote I’m not that same snappy girl anymore. If you’ve been keeping up with my blog you see I’ve reflected on how I used to be: spicy, unfiltered and passive aggressive. I’m not that girl anymore. I recognize how I used to be and I don’t like it. So I’ve changed. But I can’t even show that side to my family because they ALWAYS got something to say and I NEVER get the benefit of the doubt. Even me being a new, gentle, use my words wisely kind of person gets shut down. It’s frustrating and keeps me away).
But you see, my heart is the issue. My heart keeps me going back and forth with my decision making. My heart tells me “this is your family you must not talk back, Granny wouldn’t like that.” My heart tells me that even when someone in my family is 1000% wrong, I have to be quiet and go along with it because they’re my “elders.” My heart tells me to think about the Bible scripture. It says something like “respect your mother and father or your days will be short” (don’t ask me the scripture name, I don’t know it). And although I know the Bible is always right and it’s the answer to everything. I am struggling with ignoring all those feelings I’ve had since a child. Feelings of unforgiving, feelings of never being transparent, feelings of anxiousness around the people who share the same blood as me.
This is why I need my space.
I need my space so I can figure out how to forgive my family. I want to have a genuine relationship with each of them. I want to break this curse. This curse of getting mad at each other, never talking about it, but in a few years acting like nothing ever happened.
I want to break the curse of not having a real conversation with one another but getting on Facebook and acting like things are happy go lucky (sidenote can I just say, I HATE FACEBOOK. It has turned my family into strangers. It’s less let me pick up the phone and more, “I saw your Facebook status.” It’s annoying and I hate it. If I wasn’t over my job’s Facebook I swear I would delete my account).
This is why I need my space.
I also want to help my family get back together. To get back close. We all loved my Granny. Genuinely. And since she’s left us 12 years ago, things just haven’t been the same. Now I know this is the reality of a lot of families, once the matriarch is gone, things change. I get it. But, it’s just going to stay like that? No one is going to step up to get us back on track? And I mean genuinely get us back on track. Not talk about each other on the low but still invite us over for Thanksgiving or to church. Genuinely get us back on the same page and glue us back together. Something Granny would want. Something that would make her smile.
I have this dream that one day I’ll become a millionaire and I’ll be able to provide therapy sessions for each of my family members. Everyone will be able to pick a therapist and get their individual selves together. Because again, I get it. We have all seen different paths of life. My life is not like anyone else's. I was away at school in rural Illinois for six years. The way I think is totally different from the way others think. Everyone’s experiences are different. And that’s good! I don't want us to all be the same, I’m not saying that. I just want us to all be real.
I want to be able to talk to my older cousins about guys. I want to be able to chat with my sister about girls and how fake they can be. I want to be able to call and get advice from my aunt on how to defeat the devil when he tries to play tricks on my mind...
But not if it’s fake. Not if it’s not real.
So I need my space.
And with this space I am hoping I can learn to forgive my family. I want to forgive them for unintentionally hurting me. For unintentionally breaking my heart. For unintentionally exposing me to traits I could have only learned from home.
I love them, I truly do. But I need my space.
To have a battle between your mind and heart is real. But in this instance, I have to go with my mind. I am a smart girl and I know this will help us in the end. Between my therapist and God I am confident that one day we will all be able to be together again. It will be good vibes, a comfortable setting and genuine conversation. And I’m hoping it won’t take long! I’m hoping this blog will be the catalyst to that change.
I’m hoping they don’t get offended. I feel myself getting anxious about uploading this blog post. I’m trying to tell myself I won’t get a snappy text from one of them telling me to take this down. I’m trying to tell myself that they won’t cut me off or talk about me in the group chat.
But I don’t have control over their actions or responses to this. All I can do is be real with myself and hope for the best.
But until then, I need my space.
Love, Jalyssa.