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I know yall sick of me, lol.
But as of March 4, 2024, I, Jalyssa T. Woodall am single again.
Just 5 days shy of 6 months, Navy Blue Jacket and I decided to go our separate ways.
And I don’t mind telling you why. If anything, that’s what my blog is for. For me to make sense of things, for me to get my thoughts and emotions out, for me to look back on how far I’ve come. Yall just so happen to be reading or listening along…
Now I did think about not giving yall an update.
A part of me was embarrassed and didn’t want to seem like I “couldn’t keep a man.” Lol.
But the reality is, that’s not true.
The reality is, I could have kept the last one for years, I could’ve kept the one before that too, and the one I was actually heartbroken about – we could’ve had fitty leven children by now. But I decided to leave because of the “B-Word…”
Boundaries.
Boundaries have been a struggle of mine for as long as I can remember.
I often find myself at a crossroads with people, where they want me to do something I feel wildly uncomfortable with and I am left with a choice:
Give them what they want and be left with the regret of that decision.
Be brave enough to say no and hope they understand.
Now I always intend on the latter, and I find myself going into it the same way…
Practicing how I’m going to say, “no” nicely.
Affirming myself that it’s actually okay to say no.
Praying and asking that God makes this a smooth conversation, and that the person doesn’t yell at me.
Doing deep breaths and taking a walk in an effort to get my heart rate down...
All this just for me to build up the courage to set a boundary and say one simple word: no.
And with all that prep, all that anxiety, I still end up doing what I don’t want to, and I regret that decision each and every time…
Now I want to preface the next part of this story by reminding you that nothing I say in my blog is meant to shame anyone. We are all human and we all make mistakes. But I wouldn’t be the storyteller I am if I didn’t give details so that it all made sense. So follow along if you can, but remember, no judging and no shame, for me nor the situations I’m about to explain, okay?
* deep breath *
I often find myself doing things I don’t want to do because people in my life, actually two of the most important people in my life, have convinced me that anytime I say no I am considered “selfish.”
And it can be big or small things, for example:
Them: “Hey LeLe! My credit is messed up, can I put this light bill in your name?”
18 Year Old Me: “I don’t really feel comfortable with that, I know how you are with paying bills, is there any way you could ask…”
*gets interrupted *
Them: “You’re selfish! This is family! You’re supposed to help family!”
So even though I didn’t want to do it, and my spirit didn’t want to do it, and my body didn’t want to do it. Guess what?
I did it. Because I didn’t want them to think I was selfish.
And guess what else? The person never paid the light bill and ran it up to $5,683.
It was never was paid back.
I was never apologized to.
Just a ding on my credit and my heart, then on to the next.
Another example…
Them: “Hey LeLe! We want to go to Hawaii in 3 months. You down?”
25 Year Old Me: “I just moved into my first place, and I have zero furniture so I’m going to pass on Hawaii so I can get my place together. I need a couch, a bed..”
*gets interrupted*
Them: “You’re selfish! You never want to go anywhere with us! It’s not even going to be expensive! And didn’t you just buy a pair of Yeezys? But now you ain’t got no money? Now you need a couch?”
25 Year Old Me (with a little more courage): I treated myself to a pair of Yeezys because I had a rough summer. I did just leave the man I thought I was going to marry and have a baby with, ya know? So if I wanna buy me some Yeezys, ima buy me some Yeezys! Get out my pockets! And speaking of pockets, you owe me $5,683 for that light bill! Talm bout Hawaii, you need to run me my money!”
Fast forward, I get cut off for 6 months.
And when I say cut off, I mean cut off! Radio silent, no communication.
I’m texting and apologizing but receiving no response, nothing.
So I say all of that to say, me setting boundaries has always been a challenge. Because I’m either guilted into changing my mind, or when I do stand up for myself I am ostracized and labeled as “selfish” or “disrespectful” simply for having a difference of opinion or outlook on life.
And it’s not just with family members, it happens with friends and guys too.
I often find myself in positions with guys where they are looking for me to be “down.” Like, ride-or-die, 03’ Bonnie and Clyde “down.” And I be doing it!
Riding for them even if they got hella baby mama drama, riding for them even if they 15 years older than me but living at they momma crib, riding for them even after I realize I don’t like them as much as I thought, and riding for them based off their potential (even though their reality is showing me this ain’t what I want).
But as you can see in the previous examples, I’ve had a hard time saying no and advocating for myself. Because when I’ve attempted to, I either get guilted into changing my mind, cussed out, cut off, or a combination of all three.
But I’d try, and like clockwork I’d get hit with a plethora of what they would consider insults:
“You ain’t ride or die!”
“You always leave when I need you!”
“You’re selfish!”
“I need a partner who gon have my back, and you never do!”
So forth and so on…
And as I’m getting hit with all this, I’m sitting and looking as cool as a cucumber. Cause one thing about me, I rarely let em see me sweat.
But inside, I’m a wreck. I’m going back and forth in my head about what I should do, questioning myself like…
“Are they right? Am I being selfish? Do I quit on people too often? Am I being too hard? Am I being judgemental?”
And between them in my ear, and me in my head, I’d stay.
At least temporarily.
The guy I loved? I stayed for years (on and off). I really wanted us to work, I wanted my fantasy to come true. He was my first everything and I wanted to see this story work out…
But thankfully after him I learned a number of things:
One, broken hearts do eventually heal.
And two, if I can leave a man I was actually in love with (or so I thought that was love) I can definitely leave these other men.
So my track record went from staying years longer than I needed to, to staying 6 months longer than I needed to, then eventually I knocked that down to two months, and now I can proudly say I leave within a month of realizing this ain’t what I want *slow claps for myself *
But as you can see, it can be harddddd.
Especially when advocating for me and my feelings, is a journey in itself. Because I don’t want to be cut off, I don’t want to feel guilty, and I don’t want the other person to be mad at me….
But… what about me? And how I feel? I promise I’m not just saying “no” to be mean, or bougie, or stuck up. I’m saying no because the ask is usually just too big for me.
And let’s not act like I never say yes! I actually say yes fitty leven times before I say no. I volunteer my help when I have capacity and I’m literally not selfish.
I just have boundaries.
I have limits.
I don’t want anyone living with me for an extended amount of time. My routines, my peace, my home, they're all too important to my mental health, and I need them in order. This is important to me.
I don’t want to put my credit on the line for people, especially those who don’t like to pay their bills. I work hard to have a good credit score, I work hard to save. I sacrifice and not get my nails done, and learn to wax myself, and cancel subscriptions so that I can use that money to get my finances in order. I don’t want to jeopardize all that because somebody wasn’t financially responsible over the years and now they wanna use my stuff.
No.
I don’t want to do that.
And I don’t want to be talked into doing that.
But people want what they want.
People want their way.
And they plan on getting it, even if that means manipulating you along the way.
And that hurts because, at the end of the day I just want my feelings to be heard, respected, and not challenged.
I want someone to hear my “no” and not leave me. I want someone to hear my “no” and not cut me off. I want someone to hear my “no” and not try and mind-fuck me.
But I guess I haven’t found those people yet.
So in the meantime, I’ll keep pouring into me.
I’ll keep doing my routines, making my breakfast, going to Pilates, journaling, making TikToks, and leaning on God to make sense of it all.
It sucks having to choose between the love and care I have for myself, and the love and care I have for others… It would be nice if there could be a middle…
But if I had to choose, I’m picking me every time...
So what’s my relationship status? I’m single. And I’m okay with that, because I chose me.
And every guy I ever left, whether it was after years, or 9 months, or 6 months, I know our time together was for a reason and a season…
Dude I wanted to start a family with? He taught me how to budget like a pro. He was an accountant and was so good with numbers. To this day, I still use a similar method he taught me.
Older guy that lived with his momma? He had a therapist when we were dating and it inspired me to get one. To this day, I have a therapist and she is my bestie in my head. Lol.
Dude I really should have just stayed friends with? He was really into fitness and I found myself inspired so I started going to the gym. Now I have a membership and I go to Pilates too (hey abs!).
And man in the Navy Blue Jacket? He’s such a healthy eater, and it rubbed off on me too. I now find myself reading nutrition facts, and I haven’t had beef, pork, or chicken in months.
So even though things ended, it wasn’t all bad. There were some hidden gems and nuggets of knowledge I got from them, and I’m sure they’d say the same about me too.
But those tips and tricks are not worth me budging on my boundaries. I literally have to do what’s best for me, and choose what’s best for me too.
So until the Lord blesses me with someone who gets that, single life it is!
Now before I leave I want to make it clear that I’m not sad about actually breaking up. But I am disappointed that just like other people in my life, Navy Blue Jacket tried to guilt me into doing something I didn’t want to do after clearly stating my boundaries in a healthy, kind, and direct way.
I am very disappointed in that, because I did like him. We had some great times together! I like that he actually had a personality (cause a lot of these men be dry) and I loved his dog!
But I gotta put me first, Luscious! Lol. Cookie Lyon voice.
But okay, one last thing, and this is for my ladies.
If you follow me on the gram, then you know…
I don’t be showing these men.
And why don’t I be showing these men? Because I’m not sure how long they’re actually going to be around.
I had never even shown my Aunt or my best friend a picture of Navy Blue Jacket, cause I wanted to see how long he’d be around first.
And to be honest, I think that’s smart. Lol. Ain’t got to archive no pictures or nothing…
Now I will say (shout out to me) I hit a new mark, cause me and him almost made it to 6 months and for that I am proud! We didn’t start having problems until month 5 and for that I am proud! Lol.
That honeymoon phase be a trip! Lol a fun trip! Full of laughs, dinner dates, and rose colored glasses. Lmao. But after a while we gotta see things for what they are, and Navy Blue Jacket just wasn’t my person.
Sidenote he did ask me “not to talk shit about him” in my podcast lol. And I didn’t! But I did want to give the people an update because I know yall was rocking with Navy Blue Jacket.
And honestly, he won’t be the last guy I date. There will be others, and there will be more stories I’m sure. I’m not bitter and I’m not like “eff love.” Lol. If anything I’m proud of myself for initiating this thing with Navy Blue Jacket, if you read the first story on him, you know I was confident as hell! And I don’t regret it one bit.
He’s not a bad guy, we both just have other priorities right now and that’s okay. Yesterday when I told him, “I’ll see you at the top” I meant it, and I’m sure it’ll come true. But for now, I’m moving forward and I’m choosing me…
Til next time, peace.