So ya girl finally went on a date! And it’s been bout fifty-leven years since I’ve been on one. It’s not that I couldn’t get a date, I was just finding every excuse to not accept an offer.
But before I tell you about the date, I want to tell you why I ain’t been on one in so long. So let’s touch on these two things, shall we?
The many rules of Jalyssa T. Woodall
The “D” Word
Ahh, me and my rules. Although there’s nothing wrong with rules, or boundaries rather, mine were a bit… extreme. My rules were stricter than a new employee handbook and the guy I finally decided to go on a date with had to meet the following guidelines:
We couldn’t have attended the same school (includes high school, undergrad, post-grad)
I couldn’t have met you in college (whether through a mutual friend or random visit)
(Should’ve put this as number one) No kids
You can’t know where I live (if you’ve been popped up on before, you know)
You can’t always be on the scene (i.e. party promoter, DJ, bouncer, socialite, etc.)
You can’t not have shit going on (no hobbies or interests = too much free time = you wanna text me all day = not happening)
Not a smoker
Not a heavy drinker
Not too short but not too tall
No real “umph” about yourself (aka dry)
And probably a few more, but I’ll stop right there. My “rules” however were eliminating half of the male population. I’m 26, and if someone my age or around my age tries to take me out they may have one of the things I mentioned…
The guy may have a poppin’ social life, he may like to go out. He may blow the dope! He may be super tall (now that I’m saying these out loud I was extra as hell) and he may have a kid (still something I’m not 100% sold on but I digress). So maybe I should’ve been a little more lenient when it came to dating months ago, but since I wasn’t guess what I did?
Stayed in the house.
And I didn’t mind it! I love my me-time and now that I look back, I guess you can say I was dating myself. Lots of movie nights, dates to Aldi and walks around the lake. But when months passed and people close to me started questioning when I was going to “live life” it got me to thinking...
People as in…
My Mom: God bless her heart. She wants a grandchild so bad but between her two career-oriented daughters she know that ain’t happening no time soon
My sorority sister Shelaina: A true dating connoisseur. She gets taken out and “flewed” out quite often.
And three, my only consistent guy friend and head coach of the #CityBoyzSummer - Mfon
They each had different perspectives that went something like this:
My Mom - “Jalyssa you’re a nice attractive girl, why not give a guy a chance? The more you let your past define you the more it controls you.”
Shelaina - “You better let these men take you out! It ain’t about liking them it’s about enjoying the moment. Live life bitch! Be free!”
Mfon - “You’re picky.”
Three totally different perspectives from three totally different people who all know me very well. But the one thing that wasn’t different? Me. I was the common denominator. I was the one who wouldn’t budge, it was me.
But to my defense, I ain’t know no better. I thought the way I was thinking was smart. Dating with purpose, dating to pursue something real.
But that’s the thing, I had been viewing the D word (dating) as “dating seriously.” And although it’s nothing wrong with dating seriously, at 26 I’m not on that. So I stayed to myself. I ain’t text no potentials and I surely wasn’t inviting nobody to my house. But then I saw something on Twitter that changed it all around for me…
And @leslienicolex was right! I had the game all fucked up! I was out here thinking I had to “date to marry” so when a guy I met didn’t meet my outlandish guidelines I didn’t even give him a chance. When really, it was supposed to be just an “experience.”
And let’s be honest, ya girl is not trying to get married ANY TIME SOON. Why? Not because I don’t think the man of my dreams is far, but because I can’t imagine sharing my space with anybody right now. I can’t imagine having to check in and let a mfr know what I’m doing, and I can’t imagine having to truly care and consider someone else’s feelings other than my own (that’s right now, it’ll eventually change I’m sure).
But now that I see this ain’t that, and I don’t have to “date to marry” I’m with it! You cute, with decent conversation, no record and got ya own car so I can meet you (emphasis on meet you) at the establishment? Sure we can go out! We met years ago in college and were just cool? You saw me as Little JMoney but now you see Jalyssa with a little more sumn sumn in the back and wanna take me out? Sure! Why not? Did we try before, didn’t work out and you wanna give it another go? Ehh, let’s stop right there. I’m being free and all but I ain’t backtracking. That’s a wrap wrap! (And I oop)
But I say all that to say, dating ain’t as big of a deal as I thought it was. Like most girls, and especially girls who are used to having a boyfriend, I was viewing dating as a stepping stone to something serious… to marriage. One successful conversation and I’m thinking how cute we gon look in pictures and if the baby name will start with my first initial or his. (Crazy! Doing too much!) But now I have seen the LIGHT.
Speaking of seeing the light, something else I’ve had to work on (and still working on) is letting a man pay for me. Growing up with a single mom, raising two young girls I witnessed a “get it done on my own” routine. And I embody that to this day. I got my first car on my own, moved into my apartment with no man’s help and I put every piece of furniture together alone too (can we say Barbara the Builder?) so to say ya girl is living the “I love her cause she got her own” lifestyle would be an understatement! But because of that, I haven’t been receptive to all the benefits I could be getting as a fine ass, on her shit ass woman.
I haven’t felt comfortable letting someone take me out and pay for everything. I feel bad like I’m mooching. And I feel like I can’t let a man pay for me because he gon think I need him to pay for me. And this ain’t that. But now I’m on some sis, LET THESE MEN PAY FOR YOU. And if they can’t pay for you they not a gentleman, and we only fucks with gentlemen round here, ok?!
But, can’t even stunt. I didn’t get to this particular conclusion on my own. My Mom and two dating connoisseurs shed light on this too:
My Mom - “Jalyssa, you are a lady. Let these men be men and court you.”
Shelaina - “Bitch you better let these men buy you a meal! A drink! Hell, a meal and a drink!”
Mfon - “You’re a woman, you should take advantage of that.”
(Isn’t it funny how different their approaches are?)
But they were right! These men know what it is. They not asking me out to be my new BFF (Mfon also taught me this - in his words “these n*ggas not tryna be yo friend.”) These men want to take me out and enjoy the company of an attractive woman. Either that or they wanna f*ck which ain’t happening (I’m celibate - sorry not sorry)... But still, I can go out. Lord knows I deserve it.
So I finally went on a date, I mean experience, and here’s how it went...
So there’s this guy, naw actually this MAN. I’ve seen him around my area before and he’s handsome. I used to get my hair done at this barbershop down the street and one day he was in there too. I peeped this was the dude I had seen before but in true Jalyssa fashion I wasn’t about to say nothing cause I was too busy trying to see how my hair looked through my phone.
Eventually, the stylist finishes and I’m done. As I’m standing up he’s speaking to the stylist and turns to look at me. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but according to him I didn’t let him finish his sentence and hit him with the “have a nice day.” (Sounds about right - I used to be ONNAT aka I don’t talk to strangers).
But the other day as I was coming in, still lit from the happy hour I attended, saw him and guess what I did? I said hey! He looked shocked. We chopped it up a bit and eventually I gave him my number.
We texted a little and he Facetimed me the next day (real grown man shit) and said he wanted to take me out. I’m okay that’s cool, you tell me where you wanna meet and I’ll let you know. So we did just that.
Now before I go into that actual date I mean “experience” (cause I’m not dating, I’m experiencing) let me tell you about the man…
Yall he is FINE, ok? Dark like Dusse, fit, and has an accent. French is his first language so the way he says “Lyssa” has a little ring to it. He’s a few years older than me (30s) has a job, a car, and a motorcycle. I didn’t get creep vibes and I felt more comfortable going out with him than a complete stranger because we know the same people from the barbershop...
But I still made sure to share my location with several people just in case :)
But okay, about the date. I drove my car just in case I wanted to dip early and wore a cute little black dress (that I didn’t take a full body pic of). I put on some coconut oil, sprayed some perfume, got ready to some classic Beyonce hits and was ready to partake on my new experience. (Again, not a date but an experience).
Oh sidenote, for whatever reason I’ve been doing my makeup differently. I’ve been going with “less is more” with a side of “bitch its hot as hell” so here’s how I did it that night…. (peep the caption)
Anywho, I head to the place, which isn’t far at all, play my last Queen Bey song (Naughty Girl from the Dangerously in Love album) and pop a mint (ladies, always have a mint).
I pull up and Zaddy, I mean Mo (let’s call him Mo) is outside saving a park for me. I’m say whaatttt? Then as I pull up this man opens the door for me. The CAR door. I’m let me find out!?
I get out, he tells me I look nice and we head to the restaurant. It was a nice chill spot with two sections: one with a collection of tables that had candles on top with a bar across the room and another section with pool tables and small rectangular tables too (aye I’m being detailed as hell- talking bout “rectangular” but I want yall to visualize it - so stay with me).
I go to sit down AND THIS MAN PULLS OUT MY CHAIR. Now I don’t know if I been fuckin with the wrong dudes, but mfs ain’t been pulling out my chair, so yes I was impressed. And yes, yall need to do better.
Fast forward, we’re talking, eating and I’m sipping on a margarita. He doesn’t drink (check ✔) and is only drinking a red bull (double check ✔✔- I love red bulls). I’m listening to him as he tells me about his country and yall he is just FINE. I’m listening buttttt I’m also slightly (hella) checking him out. I’m looking to see if them nails are clean (which they were) I peeped how he wasn’t afraid to give me direct eye contact (exuding confidence) and he didn’t touch his phone not once (which was polite). All in all, it was cool.
We talked for hours, literally. Initially I was getting a little bored because I felt like all we were talking about was his country (I’m petty, I know) but eventually he was “okay I’ve been talking so much - tell me more about you Lyssa” and that’s when I got off that and perked up (people love talking about themselves, clearly).
I tell him about myself, ya know the basics. He asked about my last relationship and I gave him the most first-date, appropriate answer ever. Then breezed on to how I’m young and chasing this bag. Not babies. Which he respected.
We connected on a lot of stuff and he kept saying “real recognize real” with this smooth ass head nod that would come right after. I liked our conversation and after a while I decided I was sleepy and we should get out of here.
As he walked me to my car, I noticed he rode his motorcycle up to the restaurant. He has one of them fancy Biker Boyz bikes too, I’m okay he got shmoney! Oh I also forgot to mention he paid for the bill. Like went to the bar, paid for it no problem. That was a relief. I didn't even have to think about my card being swiped or splitting the bill.
All in all, I had a good time. I’m glad I was able to have an experience with a nice man for the evening. He called to make sure I made it home and that was that. No trying to come over, no “send me a pic of what you got on” it was cool. A nice experience.
I feel like I just got my experience virginity taken and now I’m down for more! I see that my rules were very intense and I also see that it ain't that deep. I can give a few hours of my day to someone I find attractive and cool. I can experience new people, restaurants and activities if I have some free time. And I can hang out with someone without instantly thinking we are going to get married.
Dating, I mean “experiencing” can be fun. And I’m looking forward to doing it a little more...
#RealHotGirlShit
#YeahImInMyBagButImInHisToo
#ThatsWhyEveryTimeYouSeeMeIGotSomeNewShoes